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The best movie quotes: AFI's list versus Homer Simpson

Posted Wednesday, June 22, 2005 at 10:58 PM Central

by Tim Briscoe

Last night the AFI introduced their 100 top movie quotes of all-time. How well did they do? Let's review.

First, the concept of honoring movie dialogue snippets is long overdue. Quotes are the souvenirs we each take from a movie and share in conversation with one another in our average, mundane lives. Citing a line from Caddyshack or Office Space also helps maintain our cool factor with our co-workers and buddies.

So how does AFI's list measure up? Well, quoting a line from Gone With the Wind will show off your movie knowledge but it won't endear you to your friends. For the ultimate list of movie quotes, you need not look any further than Homer Simpson.

In an episode of "The Simpsons" from season five, Homer argues with Marge in what is one long, run-on sampling of cinema's best movie quotes. It goes a little something like this:

"You don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it Marge, it's Chinatown!"

The lines are from ...And Justice For All, A Few Good Men, Patton, and Chinatown respectively. The Simpsons line -- a great quotable quote in itself -- exemplifies how we all use dialogue from films. And in my book, any list of great movie quotes must include these quotes. On this Homer litmus test the AFI scores a two out of four. Not bad, but not great either.

Any decent list of movie quotes must include the following unforgettable lines -- and you don't need Donna Karan, Dennis Miller or Leslie Uggams(!) telling you how cool they are. (Trivia buffs: click on each quote to reveal its source.)

"Mmmm-hmmm! This is a tasty burger!"

"So I got that going for me, which is nice."

"Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!"

"Yippie kay-yay, mother----er."

"We're on a mission from God."

"Would you like to play a game?"

"Roads? Where we're going we don't need... roads."

"Son, you got a panty on yer head."

"You're Abe Froman?" "That's right. I'm Abe Froman." "The sausage king of Chicago?" "Yeah. That's me."

"Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?"

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

"In a row?"

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"

"A. Always. B. Be. C. Closing. Always Be Closing."

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum."

"They're all going to laugh at you!"

"The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist."

"What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?"

"Where does he get those wonderful toys?"

"'Scuse me while I whip this out."

"Is Rusty still in the navy?"

"..With chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze!" "Yeah, all the things that make life worth living for!"

"That's a severe behavioral disorder!"

"I'm here to tell you buttholes something, this sh-- is way out of line!"

"I'm dead sexy!"

"Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time."

"I'm gonna let ya' in on a little secret, Ray. K-Mart sucks."

"They may take away our lives, but they'll never take... our freedom!"

"Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends."

"Whoa."

"This young man has had a very trying rookie season, with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada and that country's refusal to accept him, I guess that's more than most 21-year-olds can handle. Number six, Ogie Oglethorpe."

"Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat."

"Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill."

"At my signal, unleash hell."

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

"It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage."

"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

"The power of the force has stopped you, you hosers."

"I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing."

"Doomed... You're all doomed."

"Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'."

"I must be crazy to be in a loony bin like this."

"Vegas, baby. Vegas."

"The price is wrong, bitch."

"But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh?"

"I'm too old for this s---!"

"Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?"

"The name's Francis Sawyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill ya." ... "Lighten up, Francis."

"Yeah. 220, 221. Whatever it takes."

"No more yanky my wankie! The Donger need food."